“If you ask, ‘Why is this happening?’ no light may come, but if you ask, ‘How am I to glorify God now?’ there will always be an answer.” J.I. Packer

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you. James 4:10

The saying goes that hindsight is 20/20. It seems rather poetic to have such insight having come out of 2020. This month marks two years for me since the fateful events transpired that led to my departure from the hyper- charismatic/NAR movement, and I am a little wiser and more humble for it. Thinking back causes me to realize some things that were not as clear at the time. I do not intend on this being a yearly commemorative diatribe of the past, recalling the pain of accusations, the confusion of what was taking place or of what I partially discerned, nor do I wish to wallow in the grief of losing much and yet gaining so much more. I do share this in hopes of helping others like myself who have been ensnared in these movements and feel as if so much was lost or wasted. Dear friend, nothing is wasted, including our pain in the trial of awakening from deception.

It can feel as if the “band aid” will never detach from our skin in the process of healing from the wounds of false teaching, and it can seem that the residue left from that bandage will wear out its welcome. It is in this process that we are reminded of our need for Jesus Christ and that He alone cleanses us from unrighteousness. Scripture tells us that the LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit (Psalm 34:18). I am also reminded of Job 5:18, “For He wounds, but He also binds; He strikes, but His hands also heal.” I know now that the Lord permitted this to happen and that though I suffered in this, I was also responsible for the years of false teaching that I submitted to as well as perpetuated. When God does heal us, there is a proverbial scar left as a reminder of what happened and our participation in it, and for me personally reflecting upon that scar no longer brings grief but gratitude to God and an urgency to sound the alarm to others.

The first year was the most difficult. In fact, the first six months were excruciating, maddening, and freeing. The day that we left, I felt freedom and grief all at once, and I realized that my only certainty was in my salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Everything else had collapsed like a dying star, and though I was not alone, it was one of the loneliest moments of my life. It was also a selfish time in my life because I saw only my own pain and grief. Others suffered as well in their own way. The suffering was intensified at the sorrow of my own sin against God, and there were many moments of repentance as I searched the Scripture and tested what I had once known. There were times of frustration with myself for being so blind and dumb for so long. I was being lovingly chastened, and it was extremely unpleasant but necessary.

At this time two years ago, I did not fully understand why I was questioning things that had been a part of my life for almost twenty years. I only knew that something was wrong. There was a moment of not understanding why I felt so uncomfortable with the manifestations going on around me in a corporate gathering though it was the norm. There was a moment of perceiving anger and frustration from the message being preached. There was a moment of recognizing that Scripture had been terribly misappropriated, but I felt inept at the time of understanding why it had been misappropriated, and rightly so. I would bring my Bible to church only to let it rest on the seat next to mine. I would open it when a verse was read, but I did not study the verses surrounding the text to test what I was being taught. I had pages and pages of Scripture highlighted and yet my sight was dim to see the error of the teaching coming forth. God in His mercy began to open my eyes and to open my ears in those moments of time. The years of error did not impede Him. Nothing impedes God, contrary to popular belief in some circles. I say this with the utmost humility, He knows those who are His, and He is not at our mercy.

I was confused while having my eyes opened to the truth found in the Word of God. I was under an “apostle” and a culture of honor was deemed essential in that church. Talk of witchcraft, rebellion, and the demonic got much air time and continues to do so. The culture of fear is also prevalent in these movements, fear of the anointed man or woman of God and “putting your mouth on them”. A spirit unfounded in Scripture is discerned concerning those who take issue with the founder or the leader. You do not realize the damage this type of teaching does until it happens to you. When you are a recognized leader, or in my case a “prophet”, you see yourself as impervious to such things. It is a prideful mindset, cloaked in false humility. I thought I knew so much, but I was deceived and had deceived others along the way. I have been forgiven much, and so I desire to love much by sharing the truth.

I have looked back many times, wishing that I had done things differently. I wish that I had known then what I know now, and even now, it is a miniscule amount compared to what I have yet to learn in the Word of God. I would not have been fearful to ask about the Scripture ripped out context. I would have asked even more questions than I did. I would have thought twice about leaving quietly as we did. I have often wondered why it took so long to wake up from deception, but then I thank God that I did and that even this is being used to glorify Jesus Christ.

Yes, hindsight is 20/20, and it is humbling to say the least. I cannot take credit for it. God gets all the glory. After all, He was the One who woke me from the spiritual stupor. There is freedom in Christ Jesus now having come out on the other side of such spiritual bondage. There is no more grief or shame. There is only joy and the desire every day to please God, to exalt Him and to thank Him for humility.