The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call out to Him in truth. Psalm 145:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Many of us have stories that we could share in coming out of some facet of spiritual abuse. This type of pain is not exclusive to a particular movement or belief system. Though it can seem as if we are all alone and the only one who is suffering, there are many more who understand all too well the damage sustained from spiritual abuse. In the aftermath of such events, there is a roller coaster of emotions that can leave one reeling and wanting off the proverbial ride. There is sadness or grief due to loss of relationships and the once firm identity within such a belief system. There is anger and frustration directed towards leaders and even towards oneself for being deceived and in error. There is a sense of relief that the worst is over, and at the same time, there is dread that more pain lies ahead in the coming day, months, and possibly years.

With the recent developments coming out of organizations such as IHOPKC and Gateway church, there is tremendous sadness and compassion for those who have suffered unimaginative levels of abuse and manipulation. The damage sustained from spiritual abuse can be irreparable to a living soul, but as believers in Christ, we can find comfort in God’s Word and in knowing that He has not left us alone.

In the final few months before beginning to exit what I had known spiritually speaking for almost two decades, there were moments of tremendous despair and loneliness. I battled confusion and one of the deepest times of grief in my life because I knew that our time was drawing to a close in that church, and I felt powerless in the process. It felt as if who I had been was dying, and retrospectively, this was quite true. I was accused of rebellion and dishonoring the founder of the house for asking questions to our local leader concerning the apostle’s recent teaching. Though my husband and I both went with questions, I had a large target placed upon me as a recognized prophet in that ministry, and I was the only one disciplined by the apostle for such an action. Looking back, I wish that I had asked theological questions when presented the opportunity to speak with this leader, but I was both Biblically illiterate and fearful of the leader because of the culture of honor within that ministry. The stress of the situation weighed so much on me that I began to have chest pains at times, and I spent many hours alone weeping and wondering what was wrong with me and what was going to happen to my family and me.

The day that we left was a bittersweet moment. It was a relief, and it was a time of mourning and grief. Things would never be the same in some ways, and it was sad to consider that relationships were significantly altered. There have been many people who were negatively impacted by this one ministry, and it is a story that is multiplied exponentially in other parts of the world by other ministries and organizations. That is a tragic reality to spiritual abuse. Though it is personal, there are many others who have incurred far worse than I did, and my heart hurt for those who reached out over time to share their stories. It was a relief to know that I was not alone, but I would not wish for anyone to go through some of the things I heard.

In the days that followed, I searched diligently to understand what we had been a part of for so long, and that peeled more layers to the onion of this journey. I battled great frustration both towards this leader and towards myself for believing such error. I was grieved at my sin in not searching the Scriptures more. I was plagued with the question, “Why?” Why for so long could I not see? Now five years out of the New Apostolic Reformation/Word of Faith movement, that question fades into the deep ocean of His mercy and forgiveness. I thank God for His grace and His mercy in pulling my family and me out of this movement and to the truth of His Word.

These days, I still battle frustration at times with the false teachings and the outlandish things said and done, but there is a sadness for those who follow such things. I am reminded from where I have fallen and what I once believed. That brings humility and a remembrance to pray for those who are in deception, not only for the ones following these leaders, but also for the false teachers and false prophets. How selfish would it be for me to want any less for them than what God did for me? Though there are moments in wanting to seek my own personal retribution when the occasion may present itself, I ask God to forgive me in my pride and to remember not to seek my own vengeance but to trust in the Lord. Romans 12:9-21 is a passage that challenges, convicts, and comforts me greatly. There are sure to be more layers of the onion that the Lord will peel in my sanctification, but as those layers are exposed, I pray that it draws me ever closer to God and to His steadfast love and long suffering He has towards me, knowing that His Fatherly correction and His work of sanctification by His Word and by His Spirit is for His glory and my good.

Dear Christian, there is hope. Our hope is found in Christ alone. His glorious gospel is good news indeed. Scripture tells us that the LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). There may still be pain in the process, even when it seems that the wounds have healed. It is possible that the wounds never heal this side of heaven, but He has healed your spiritual sickness of sin and rebellion against Him. The road will seem arduous and without any mountain top views. But the Lord is with you in the valley, and you are His. It may seem as if you cannot catch your breath in the suffering of loss and trust. But you can trust in the Lord. His grace is a beautiful gift in the midst of our ash heap. He understands far better than anyone else, including us, this pain and sorrow. He is most certainly near to the brokenhearted. He is near to all who call out to Him, and to all who call out to Him in truth. Thank Him for His abounding grace towards you and for His infinite mercy and be in awe of Him and His gospel every day.

Listen to this episode discussing spiritual abuse: The Lovesick Scribe Podcast: A Conversation About Spiritual Abuse on Apple Podcasts