Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. Psalm 42:7 ESV

For the longest time, Psalm 42:7 was lost on me, and I didn’t even know it. I had taken this verse to mean something it was not saying, that the depths in me called out to the depths of God within me. How poetic, right? Not really. I had never read it in context. I had never read the title of the psalm from which it came, Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul? Wait, I thought this was about being more spiritual and having a deeper relationship with God! The deep calls out. But I had missed the breakers and the waves submerging the psalmist singing this lament to God, a psalm sprinkled with remembrances of encouragement in the Lord over the ocean of despondency.

The deep calls out to the deep for answers. But it is not this great spiritual ascension envisioned. It is a brokenness where we bury our questions in the deepest parts of that ocean, fearing what others may think of us for daring to ask or to say such things in the light of day. At times, our soul is cast down within us, and we find ourselves in predicaments that call for perseverance in trusting Christ. Charles Spurgeon said, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” Rather than kiss the wave drawing us ever closer to our Beloved Savior, we may find ourselves despising the breakers coming over us that have been allowed to hit us, or we may pretend the wave is not there at all. We think of ourselves as the rock which the tide breaks itself upon, but we are not. Our lives are but a vapor, like a mist coming off of the wave, clinging to the Rock from which the fount of Living water flows. A small ripple does not bother us. But what happens when the waves seem to be never ending? What happens when all of His breakers go over you? Do you remember God in your unbelief? Do you encourage yourself in the depths of your drowning soul circling the whirlpool of turmoil, “Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” ?(Psalm 42:5,11)

If King David were alive today and if he were to sing psalm 42 before a congregation, I am convinced he would be corrected by some for his choice of words and for his raw display of despair. He would be called double minded, too negative, or even in need of deliverance from a tormenting spirit. Some may ask him how one can call God his Rock while crying out to God in the same breath and lamenting, “Why have You forgotten me?” It is in our nature to crave encouragement and to reject sentiments bringing negative thoughts and emotions. But it is not unnatural to have such emotions when burdens come. I thank God we find encouragement in the Lord and in the testimony of those in His Word who were not super human and who were unafraid to cry out in times of difficulty.

Praise in Ceaseless Streams of Trouble

I was listening to Shane and Shane a few days ago as they sang Psalm 42, and my soul resonated with every word. I find myself going through my home singing this song. It captures my own personal walk with the Lord over the past two years. I have read this psalm with tears streaming down my face, feeling such comfort to remember how God does not despise His children in their brokenness. You see, I have had questions in the depths of the breakers and the crashing waves. I have felt forgotten while my tears have been my fodder in moments of trial these past two years. God sent breakers over me when I woke up spiritually and repented for believing false teaching. There was great loss and trial in that time. There were questions in the depths of the waves crashing over me and my family, and it brought me to my knees. Christ was the answer to it all. So I clung to Him and to His Word while struggling in one of the loneliest times of my life.

The waters calmed and refreshing came with a second pregnancy. But then the breakers returned with many nights praising God in the darkness through tears while meditating on negative reports from doctor visits literally every week. Thoughts invaded my mind that I could possibly not survive. It was the first time in my life I was faced with praying Biblically and trusting God in the midst of my pain and uncertainty while still crying out with certainty in Christ. I felt powerless and held at the same time. It is difficult to explain, but there was the resolution that whatever happened, it was well with my soul. And in the end, all was well.

We had a reprieve for a few months and then late in 2020, my husband had some disturbing symptoms prompting doctor visits and tests. The breakers were coming again, and this time, it was a waterfall with three emergency room visits, two hospitalizations, numerous tests, MRI’s, multiple specialist visits, and a final diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, all in a matter of four months. Thoughts flooded my mind once again, only this time, I laid in bed at night silently crying, wondering what was going to happen to my husband. I remember walking alone to our car in the parking lot of the hospital in the middle of the night, balling my eyes out as he was admitted for sepsis. “Where are You, God? We need You. I need You. Why is this happening? What if…?” These are the types of things we bury in hopes no one ever finds them because it shows our utter weakness. I found myself again in despair while asking God to use all of this for His glory and to help me be the wife my husband needed. I continue to pray daily that God will heal him while drawing us closer to Him. God is not obligated to answer me, but He has been gracious and merciful to us in this. I thank God we got answers quickly. He has been with us every step of the way.

I could tell of other things that have come in waves never ceasing in the past few months, bringing troubled waters and what seems like no end to the turmoil. There are many people who can attest to struggles and hardships. Ours are minimal to what others have endured. Psalm 42 has been ever appropriate for me as a believer in Christ when the troubles of this life are real and prevalent. It would be foolish of me to ignore the waves. It would be arrogant of me to think that I can make them stop in my own power. My hope is in Christ. When I am anxious, I ask Him to calm my anxious thoughts and to bring His Word to my remembrance. I ask Him to forgive me in the waves of unbelief and to strengthen me as only He can. My soul cries out in times of difficulty to cast my cares upon Him but to not remain cast down, as is so easy to do. The despair and the pain has been deafening, but I hear that song resounding in my heart and the words spring forth from my lips, “Tune my heart to bless Your name. Streams of trouble never ceasing call for songs of loudest praise.” May I praise You even through tears, O God. May I not wait to praise You when the waters are still. I will kiss the wave causing me to cling to You. You are my Rock and my salvation.