Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quick’ning ray,
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free;
I rose, went forth and followed Thee.

Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?

It was on May 15, 2019, that my family and I began our exit out of what we would come to know as the New Apostolic Reformation. In that moment, all that we had known for eighteen years was as a vapor. I remember sitting in our car, and a wave of emotions ran over me. There was sadness in the loss of years, relationships, and security in what we had known. Simultaneously, the looming weight of anxiety and stress from the few months leading up to this moment lifted, and for a moment, I could breathe. It is over. That is what I naively thought in my mind. A deconstruction of sorts would take place where what had been built in my life surrounding this ministry would be leveled and brought to the foot of the cross. It did not seem like it in that moment, but God had delivered me from the NAR. It was shortly after leaving that I began the journey of understanding what in the world had happened to us and what we had been a part of for so long.

This week marks five years since the journey began in leaving this movement. It was not instant, but God was faithful to bring us out of deception and to help lead us by His Word and by His Spirit. When you have been a part of something for so long, it takes time to work through it all. God was ever gracious and patient with me in charting these waters and helping me to come to terms with some things. I have likened it to an onion; just when you think all has been resolved and there is nothing left to correct, another layer emerges bringing tears and discomfort. There have been numerous lessons learned along the way over the past several years, and there is no doubt there will be many more. With that, I wanted to share some things that I have gleaned or come to understand since that fateful day.

The most important thing in my life is the grace and mercy of God and the beauty of His Gospel. Martin Luther said, “We need to hear the Gospel every day because we forget the Gospel every day.” There is not a day that goes by where I do not think about what Christ has done for me in forgiving me and delivering me from darkness. I think often on how I have peace with God and the peace of God, and the good news of His death, burial, and resurrection is something I do not want to get over as if it is a mere steppingstone in my walk with Him. The love and kindness that He has shown me is beautifully overwhelming, and it brings great comfort to know that I did nothing to obtain it or to merit it.

I have often wondered why we were in this for so long. Why did I not see the truth? Why did I not see it sooner? Why, Lord? Those questions have been met with peace and comfort in that He is now using it for His glory. The years spent in this movement were not wasted. Sometimes, we have questions that will never be answered, but the Lord will provide solace in the questioning. In His sovereignty, He will weave the tapestry and make a beautiful masterpiece, though the threads of life will seem tangled and chaotic from a different perspective. One of those chaotic threads came in the form of His Word being twisted and manipulated to mean something it never meant, but in that moment, God showed His faithfulness to His own Word, and it did not return void. It fulfilled the purpose for which it was sent (Isaiah 55:11). It was in the twisted presented teaching of John 10:27 that the Good Shepherd faithfully came for one of His own in spite of that false apostle, and He rescued me from the wrath I justly deserved. This leads me to the next lesson learned.

For quite some time, I was angry and confused as to what we had submitted to for so many years. The realization that leaders had led us astray and deceived us in the teaching of God’s Word was upsetting to say the least. But I had to come to terms that I was a willing participant in this movement. Regardless of my ignorance or my sincerity, I had sinned against God in blaspheming His name with prophecies that did not come to pass. I had sought practices taught to myself and to others that were akin to Gnosticism. I had willingly sat under teaching without question and without scrutiny, and I had taught these same things to others at times. While there was certainly a level of spiritual abuse endured, I had to come to terms with my own sin against God, and in His grace and mercy, He granted me repentance.

There have been personal life lessons learned along the way, and there are sure to be more. Though I recognized my wandering on the perilous cliff of this movement, feeding on the pastures of aberrant practices and manifestations while drinking from the contaminated waters of Word of Faith and Latter Rain teaching, I underestimated my wandering outside of this movement. For those who may not know, sheep are not the brightest animals. They are defenseless, and they need guidance. Without a shepherd, they will perish. In the tidal waves of trials that hit our family in the years following our exit, I found that I was prone to wander in worry and anxiety. There were many moments of profound weakness and difficulty, but as Spurgeon said, “I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages.”

Those times of crying out to God for mercy brought me closer to Him. With every wave that seemed to hit our family, God brought me closer to Him, and He did not despise my weakness or brokenness. Though I would be anxious, I turned to His Word for comfort. Even in my weariness, an undercurrent of His peace gave reassurance that He would not leave us and that He would care for us. If anything, those were times of sanctification and trusting in His ways. It was in the past several years of trials that He helped me to understand Biblical prayer through His Word. Through suffering, God has brought blessings and transformation that would not have happened otherwise.

Those opportunities to wander are a daily temptation. There were times that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I still battle that at times. But it is God’s sovereignty that overcomes the smallest of doubt and unbelief. I am prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love. I am not only prone to wander in worry, but I am prone to wander in personal retribution. I am prone to wander in wanting my own way at times. I am thankful that my Shepherd does not leave me in wayward pastures, but He is faithful to keep me and to lead me back unto Himself.

In all of this, I am learning not to despise the gift of God’s sanctification and discipline. It is a great comfort to know that He is conforming me into His image by His Spirit and by His Word, and in His correction and discipline, He affirms that I am one of His children (Hebrews 12:3-11). It is all for His glory. Though there has been great difficulty these past five years, God’s grace has sustained us through it all. I continuously return to His glorious Gospel and the hope I have in Him alone. I pray there are many more who are coming out of this movement. The road seems treacherous and lonely at times with further narrowing turns, but God is faithful to bring out His own and to keep us and to bring us home. In that, we can rejoice.

My chains fell off, my heart was free; I rose, went forth and followed Thee. Amazing love, how can it be? That Thou, my God, should die for me?

Listen to this episode as I share more in reflecting on time after leaving the NAR: The Lovesick Scribe Podcast: This Is Deliverance- Reflecting on 5 Years Post-NAR on Apple Podcasts