I sit here with a tattered journal. A journal that captured its purpose almost three years ago when the heavenly realm invaded my home and woke me up to angelic singing. I will never forget that morning. So much has happened since then and I have found myself looking through this journal, wondering what God will speak to me next.
It is full of prophetic songs, prophetic words spoken over me by trusted leaders and revelations from the Father’s heart straight to mine. It is full of joy and intercession, warnings, frustration and wonder as I travel on this journey with God.
For the most part, I have kept things hidden in this journal between myself and the Lord, but on a few occasions He has released me to share from its pages. This journal has been like a friend as we recollect the things spoken between the Father and His daughter and it has encouraged me when I have been in moments of seeming defeat.
I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that the season I am in right now is a trying one. It is a season of breaking, refining and forging. Everything in me wants to give all that I am to God and yet I struggle with feeling as if I have nothing to offer of worth. It is a season where recognition is distant and I battle the thoughts that I have been forgotten and passed by while those around me move forward with acceleration.
This year has been a loss for me on different levels and I have fought against torment and demonic attacks that seemed bent on destroying me while through tears of heartbreak and anguish I worship God and tell Him how good He is and how faithful He is.
No one fully saw what I battled, not even my husband. No one saw me break down emotionally in my garage, sobbing and wailing over all of this while trying to compose myself in order to protect the child that is in my womb. No one fully witnessed how I was coming apart at the seams. I hid it as best as I knew how from years of experience and while hell screamed at me, I could hear the voice of the Lord whispering to me, “I will fight for you. You need only to be still.”
I came through on the other side of that time with some scars and a bit battered, but with an assurance that God was with me every step of the way. It would be amazing to say that it had no effect on me and that I was unnerved, but it did affect me and I could sense myself questioning who I was and if I deserved God’s goodness.
The blessing of my journal with God
I opened my journal today to an entry from April 5, 2014. As I read it, I was reminded of who I am in Christ and that His call and gifts are without repentance. His words to me jumped off of the page. Journals are crucial when it comes to the things of God and what He wants to speak to us. When we journal, we are making history with God. It had been a while since I had read through my journal and I was comforted and challenged to accept what He said about me and to discard everything else. As I professed to Him that I was His daughter first and His mouthpiece second, He responded with this:
“You are My prophet, you are My psalmist, you are My ready writer. Begin to call forth the prophetic revelation to flow with ease. Begin to ask Me for prophetic revelation. For those who seek Me and ask Me find Me and I give unto them what they ask. Remove the idols from My temple. You are My temple and for the pure stream of My anointing to flow in the depth and strength which I desire to flow, everything in you must die. Every desire, every fleshly craving. Repent of these things and completely destroy these idols once and for all. Do not play games with My Presence or your calling.
Consecrate yourself to Me. It will not be easy, but My burden is light and My grace is sufficient for you. The more you deny your flesh and your desires, the greater I will consume you. You cannot fathom what I will do when you are yielded unto Me. I long to commune with you, to bear My heart to you. The secret place will be your residence and you will be My habitation, if you will yield. Begin to declare and decree. Tear down strongholds and seek Me for divine revelation. Make prayer and intercession a staple of your spiritual diet. Feast on My Word frequently and practice and host My Presence persistently.
If you ask Me for the hidden things, I will show you. Be obedient to Me. I am your Father and I withhold nothing good from you…My Spirit is operating through you. Let My glory rest in you and flow through you. Do not be afraid, I am always with you. I am ready to speak through you My daughter, My prophet, My psalmist, My ready writer. I love you beyond your comprehension. Let your life reflect that love and live boldly, freely and glorify Me…remain teachable. I will teach you how to be a prophet. Just follow Me and you will never go wrong.”
I love the Lord so much. He is my Rock and my Fortress. Without Him, I would be nothing. This journal has been a blessing to me. It reminds me of the precious times I have had with the Lord and it takes me back on the journey with Him when the times arise that I consider giving up. This journal continues to confirm to me that quitting is not an option because I have come too far with God to stop now. So let the breaking and the refining and the forging carry on and let my life remain hidden in You, Lord because this is where I come alive.Becoming more like Christ carries a cost and He’s worth it.